Interview: ‘Paternity Court’ Judge Lauren Lake Offers Advice On Co-Parenting During The Holidays

The holiday season is here, and while many families have found effective ways to establish family traditions and keep harmony for the holidays; others may be wondering how to accommodate their new or current family dynamic. For many families that co-parent, have experienced a divorce or are now separated, there can be some additional tension in terms of: how to celebrate, who gets the kids for what holiday, or even on how to keep the best interest of the child affected at the forefront.

I recently had the opportunity to speak with Parenting expert, Family lawyer, and host of Daytime Emmy-winning Paternity Court, Judge Lauren Lake, who has brought over 700 families closure and relationship support on her show about ways to make co-parenting, divorce, and the holidays less stressful for the kids involved during this special time of year.

What are some inspirational or effective strategies for families who co-parent to create balance for their children for the holiday season?

Remember that your child is and will always be your “why.” If you strategize with that focus in mind, it will allow you to meet in the middle, compromise and communicate in ways you wouldn’t otherwise be able to if you were just focused on your feelings. In short, it is not about you. Your strategy should be to make sure your child feels happy and secure. You and your ex need to work out visitation to both sides of the family, pick up and drop off and other details outside the presence of the kids. After you discuss it, put it in writing or create a calendar, so everyone will know what to expect.

Also, if you’re dating someone new, the holidays ARE NOT the time to introduce them to your children for the first time, even if your ex knows about the relationship.

Can you please provide some verbiage for parents to help explain to kids that separation or divorce is not their fault?

I think one of the best things you can let your children know is that adults sometimes have to do what they believe is best for the entire family – and what’s best may not be exactly what they want, but it is up to the adults in the family to make the right decision. Assure them it is not their fault, and they didn’t cause it.

You can tell them that sometimes it is best for mom and dad to live apart. Be adamant that the love you and your ex share for the child hasn’t changed, only your relationship and living arrangements. It’s important to reassure the child that you are still a family and will always be a family.

In the context of co-parenting, what encouragement would you offer to parents who feel triggered, vulnerable or at odds with their ex-partner or spouse during the holidays?

Make your kids the focus. As I often say on Paternity Court, you have to love your child more than you dislike your ex. You have to choose to live in the light. How many times have we gotten comfortable talking about how miserable our ex makes us? You have to stay positive and remember to be the light in a dark situation for your child.

In your experience, what have you found to be the most effective way for families to navigate co-parenting during the holidays?

I have found that the most effective way to operate when co-parenting during the holidays is to try your hardest to include everyone. When you can be flexible enough to say to your ex “I know this isn’t your day with them, but let’s all grab a hot chocolate today”, that is when your child sees that you are able to be civil and compassionate towards their other parent. They get to see their parents getting along – that is better than any present you can get them for the holiday.

I will say this with a cautionary tale, children are always hoping their parents will somehow get back together. You could be in another relationship and your children could still be holding out hope. This should not be something that stops you from spending time together as a family but be sure that you have the correct boundaries when/if you do this, so not to confuse your child.

What are some ways for handling the holidays when not celebrating with your children?

Lean into your real feelings, really think about yourself and what you want to do. If you can’t be alone – spend time with those who will love and support you. If you feel like you want to be alone – don’t let people talk you into getting out of the house and coming to their gathering. Seeing other people with their children may be hard. You don’t want to me to be the Grinch who stole someone else’s Christmas.

Now, if you’re going to sit home and have a pity party for yourself, force yourself to get out of the house. Take a walk, or a yoga class. Go on a solo trip. Do something that relieves stress. Keep a limitless mindset and remember this too shall pass. Focus on the limitless possibilities that lie ahead and count your blessings.

How do you set gift-giving boundaries with your ex during the holidays?

One great way is to think about what the child wants and what you both want to give them. Divide the cost up evenly, or any way you and your co-parent feel is fair. Don’t try to overcompensate or outdo the other parent. If possible, give your child gifts that are from mom and dad together. Be gracious enough to say “these are from the both of us” as this shows your child that there is still a united front, despite the divorce or separation. If you don’t want to give gifts together, then set a dollar amount limit that each of you can afford and abide by it.

Any tips for parents going through a custody battle during the holidays?

I think calling a “time out” on the custody battle is a great thing to do during the holidays. Let your lawyers know you don’t want to go back and forth on any issues until after the holidays. You don’t want to be in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner getting a text from your lawyer saying, “your ex’s lawyer said this.” That is awkward and can only cause tension in the family – the holidays are already stressful enough. My best advice is to press pause on all of this until after January 1^st. ^.New Year, new possibilities for legal resolution and emotional evolution.

MORE ABOUT JUDGE LAUREN LAKE:

 

Lauren Lake is a Daytime Emmy-winning, multi-faceted television personality who serves as the judge on the nationally syndicated half-hour daily courtroom show, Lauren Lake’s Paternity Court (in its 7^th season). Lake is a graduate of the University of Michigan and earned her law degree at Wayne State University. She is a member of the New York, New Jersey and Michigan bars with concentrations in family, criminal and entertainment law.Lake has been featured in articles in The New York Times, Ebony Magazine, Entertainment Weekly, Time Magazine, Essence, Good Housekeeping, Family Circle, Jet Magazine, The Detroit Free Press, and The Birmingham News.

In her 2009 book, Girl! Let Me Tell You, Lake empowers single women to strive for success in life and fulfillment and happiness in love. Lake has served as moderator and contributor on panels dedicated to women, relationships, empowerment, and family. Additionally, Lake co-founded the Women in Entertainment Empowerment Network (WEEN), which promotes the positive portrayal of women in entertainment and society through nationwide mentoring and outreach programs for young women. She also serves as professor for the annual WEEN Academy.

For local listings to see Judge Lauren Lake on Paternity Court, click HERE.To see additional footage of Judge Lauren Lake, here she is on Access Hollywood talking about National Single Parents Day.

Lynnette’s interview with Judge Lauren Lake was originally published on Moms.com on November 21st, 2019.