It’s no surprise that many moms hide their fear of success behind their parenting journey. While success is a personal experience that varies depending on the individual, it is important to evaluate the patterns and mindsets that hinder success, as well as lead to success and breakthrough in different areas of life. Best-selling author and Executive Coach, Valorie Burton has written nine books on personal development, including Successful Women Think Differently and Happy Women Live Better in addition to her newly released book Life Coaching For Successful Women.
I recently had the opportunity to speak with Burton about ways to break negative patterns and counterproductive habits that hinder success, as well as the three questions that every woman and mom should ask herself at the start of the new year.
I Love That Your Brand Successfully Merges A Faith-Based Worldview With Mainstream Success. In What Ways Has Your Faith Shaped Your Success?
I would say that the biggest way is in decision making. Whenever I’ve been at a pivotal point in my life–from what career path to take to my spouse, to children, and just getting quiet. Just listening to what God is saying about the matter has made a tremendous difference in my life. I don’t think I’d have any of the successes that I’ve had without knowing God deep in my spirit.
I think we’re all just trying to do our best. When we become overly spiritual, I think that’s often rooted in our own fear. I don’t criticize it. I look at it and I go, “Hmm. What’s really going on there honestly?” It’s about trying to control things. It’s about our fear of uncertainty. Because look, faith can feel very scary. You’re hoping yet, right? Faith is the substance of things hoped for, but you’re not guaranteed to get the outcome to be exactly what you think it should be. You have to step back and surrender. So, I’ve found a lot of times when people are overly religious, it really is rooted in their own fear. Honestly, what we all just want deep down is the love. We really do want that faith and that connection with God.
In Your Experience, What Are Some Counterproductive Habits And Negative Patterns That Generally Hold Even Successful Women Back?
There’s a lot of research around differences between men and women. Women for example, are great connectors. We’re naturally very relational. This is a very good thing obviously within families, but also within businesses. The research shows that businesses that have more women in positions of leadership actually are more profitable. So, there are a lot of good things that we do, but at the same time there are some habits that we have. The main one is a lack of confidence. The habit is that we often underestimate our own abilities far more than men do.
There’s a term that’s been coined by psychologists for men, called honest overconfidence. It means that men often over-estimate how well they’ve done on a task, and many women underestimate. As women, we tend to be perfectionist, not all women, but perfectionism is largely a women’s issue. And so we’ll keep holding back and saying, I’m not ready yet and I can get things more in order and I need more of this or that when we could just step out and try. And I think that shows up in the home too. You know, we want everything to be just right and we beat ourselves up too quickly. So those are habits that I think really impact our joy and our peace and the opportunities that we could have if we didn’t hold ourselves back.
What Are The Three Essential Questions That Every Woman Must Ask Herself In The New Year?
I really believe that asking the right questions is how you get the answers you need to the challenges and the dilemmas that you face. Too often life is moving so fast that we don’t ask the right questions. So, one of my absolute favorites is getting clear about what you want your life to look like 10 years from now. What will you wish you had done?
Secondly, when setting goals ask yourself, what will this goal give me that I don’t have right now? It’s very easy for us to just keep climbing a ladder and keep doing whatever appears to be the next thing. We have to truly understand what it is we want. For example, you might have a goal not to do more, but to do less, to have more margin in your life, more time for the people in the things that matter, that is a legitimate goal. Another of my absolute favorite questions is really for those of us, and I include myself in this, who often are really, really hard on ourselves.
If I were talking to my best friend, what would I say about this situation? The reason for that question is it conjures up self-compassion, which is a stress reliever. It helps us to be more resilient, gives us confidence. In other words, if you would talk differently to your best friend if they were in the situation, why don’t you talk that way to yourself? Why not be kind to yourself? Be a friend to yourself. I think that’s a really powerful one.
Motivational speaker, Les Brown once said to me, “You don’t know what you don’t know, and you think you know.” That was really powerful to me, yet simple and direct. It was honest constructive criticism, and it’s important for our personal growth. We have to be able to take that constructive kind of feedback.
What Are Three Things You Would Tell Your Younger Self?
That’s an interesting question. It’s cliche, but it really is more about the journey than the finish line. And I would tell my younger self that because I, I uh, had a really rough first year of college. I was on academic probation the whole year. I was at the Air Force Academy when I decided to leave at the end of that school year. I felt so dumb, that I was trying to prove I was smart throughout the rest of my college career. I rushed through school and I finished at 20 with my bachelor’s degree and I was just trying to overcompensate. I rushed into grad school. I rushed to finish grad school at 21, right when I had just begun enjoying college. I have to say that you have nothing to prove. Use your failure as a learning tool and keep going, but don’t over compensate. I think it is important for young women to have a vision for your personal life as strongly as you do for your professional life. The last thing I would say is just have fun. Everything is not so serious. In fact, the more fun you have, the more opportunities you attract to yourself. So make it a goal every day to feel good.
What Are Some Practices Or Mindsets That Lend Themselves Towards More Courageous Living?
Stop expecting to stay comfortable. When you step out of your comfort zone, it’s going to feel uncomfortable, because you’re not in the comfort zone. Expect it, and just stay there. The comfort zone grows. It’s the same as fear. We allow everybody else’s opinions to drive what we do. But it’s important to stay focused on your mission. What is your mission? I don’t want to get to the end of my life and realize I missed it. I want to hear mission accomplished. And so all of us should ask ourselves, what is my mission? My favorite coaching question around purpose is how is someone’s life better when they cross paths with you?
Continue to learn more about Valorie Burton on her website HERE. You can purchase her newest book, Life Coaching For Successful Women HERE.
Connect with Valorie on Facebook and Instagram.
This interview written by Lynnette Nicholas was originally published on February 6, 2020 on Moms.com.
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